Most People Won't Care and That's Okay
Introduction
Before I pursued art full-time, I was filled with worries. One of those worries was what others would think about me and my work. It took me many years before I even referred to myself as an artist or a painter. I had it beaten into me at a very early age that art of any kind isn’t real work. Musicians, actors, painters, dancers and the rest were all somehow different from us regular people. I had to foster my creativity largely on my own, and with that, a fear of not being accepted grew alongside. I was criticised for my music taste, how I dressed and what I thought - not just by strangers and classmates but by my family as well, and I carried this fear with me well into adulthood.
It’s this paradoxical and difficult state to be in because, simultaneously, while it feels like no one cares, they all care too much - they’re all bothering you with their opinion, with what they think is right, and there’s no space to be yourself, but you’re not alone. Eventually, you find people like you, people who have the same sense of humour, who dress funny or who are outcasts just like you, and you can overcome those fears, and eventually you stop caring about what others think, and you’re liberated because of it. But that period of transitioning into that truth can be painful, remarkably so, and a lot of people struggle with what others think for other reasons.
When we’re concerned about what others think, it can go either way: we worry that they won’t care about what we do - that they won’t notice us and that they won’t like or even remember us. The other fear is that they’re constantly looking at us, judging everything we do and that every movement, every word and everything we express is being judged, ridiculed and mocked. I’ve been on both sides of this fear, and I can safely say: most people don’t care.
That single realisation can be either freeing or it can be damning. It’s equally liberating as it is scary - it feeds into our insecurity that we are unloved and that nobody would miss us, but on the other hand, it also means we can be ourselves, because most people are too occupied with worrying about themselves, they’re not looking and judging every single thing we do. Ultimately, both of them come from the same core principle - people care far less than you might think.
This has continued to be a liberating force in my own work and life, but also has remained as a point of fear and stagnation. This essay will explore both the good and bad aspects of the uncaring nature of people. First off: I want it to be clear that I do not believe this uncaring comes from some kind of inherent narcissism or selfishness in people, I don’t think it’s a symptom of egotism or as a result of our modern individualism - I believe the negatives from this kind of thinking or realisation are entirely self-inflicted.
I also want it to be clear that a lot of people care, probably more than you realise, and that’s the people you should focus on. There will always be those who respond and react negatively to what you do, but also those who respond positively - but the majority won’t react at all. People have their own reasons for reacting negatively, and that’s not what we’re focusing on here; just know it’s got more to do with them than you. No - today we’re focusing on the people who do not care.
This camp is interesting because it includes both people who react positively and negatively to whatever it is you do, but they might quietly support or hate you. You can’t know, and there’s no point in guessing; you can make any assumption you like, but it doesn’t really change anything other than your own mental state. Let’s begin by looking at the darker side of this recognition.
The Uncaring and Desolate Desperation
When we worry that people don’t care about us and our work, it can lead to a dark place - we can feel desolate and alone, and this loneliness can lead to apathy and depression. What’s the point of doing something if no one cares about it? Well, for starters, if you care about it, that’s one person, and that is enough, but it’s of course not always that easy. We’re socially driven, and we all want to belong somewhere. When we feel that our work is rejected passively by people not engaging with it the way we hoped for, we feel personally attacked and rejected.
We see the successes of others, or we remember how we positively react to the creative work of others and deep down we just want someone to say “I like what you do”, but most of your work, whether it’s art or not, is going to go unnoticed and uncomplimented. You can’t rely on external validation alone, because it’s never guaranteed. You have to learn how to enjoy the process and find your love for the work you do, so that you may continue to do it without recognition. The compliments of others are flimsy, and people like one thing one day and hate it the next. Artists often tie themselves and their own value to their work, and that can be tough.
As a creative, you’re going to experiment and try to figure things out, which might not always work out, and when you tie your self-value to that work, then you also take criticism of it negatively. Whether people prefer the old stuff you used to make, or just don’t resonate with the work you do now, it can be tough, and it can feel very lonely if you feel like people used to care about your work and no longer do it. This can, in some bad scenarios, lead to desperation. Washed-up pop stars who do anything to be on a magazine cover again, or people who cling to long-gone glory days, and they’re not all creatives. We want to feel like people care, but the truth is, they don’t or don’t have the capacity to meet your constant need and desire for validation.
The good news is that you are responsible for it yourself, and you can fix it. You don’t need to rely on other people caring about everything you do, and just remember that the right people care about the right things.
Overcoming and Caring
The fact that most people won’t care doesn’t mean people won’t care, and that your life isn’t meaningful. Your impact doesn’t have to be on a global scale, but if you can lighten up the lives of the people around you, then that has tremendous worth. Understanding that the right people will care about the right things is key to overcoming this state of mental desolation. You’re not alone, and you just have to find the right people to surround yourself with. Remember that even if you feel like your friends or family don’t care, they probably do. They might not know how to show it or give you daily affirmations about how much they appreciate you, and don’t let your paranoia and self-doubt get the better of you.
We all want people to care about us, and you have to remember that, for others to care, you have to care. All relations are a two-way street. An unhealthy pattern of attention-seeking and self-centeredness often comes from childhood, where we don’t understand this fact. As children, we expect our parents to give us undivided, absolute attention and affection, and as children, we don’t have to give anything back. If we don’t grow out of this pattern or perhaps if we’re spoiled for too long and it becomes habitual, we can come to expect that people should care for us because we’re so important, but we don’t have to care for anyone else. Everyone wants affection and people to care, not just narcissistic people, but a good way to get people to care about you is to care for others.
The way we understand ourselves is the way we understand others, and so you should know that it’s not easy, and we don’t always think about expressing these things. You might not be uncaring about your friends' interests, but conversations wander around other subjects, and life gets in the way. Just like you have your things to worry and focus on, so do others, and understanding that there can be silent appreciation and care is key to overcoming the doubts and fears that can come with these feelings.
While communication is very important, and you sometimes have to remind others and yourself that you care, you can also trust in that silence and absence, and if you’re a person who lets your fears and doubts get in the way of your work, then you have to learn to rely on yourself caring enough to get through it. On the other hand, there’s a freedom that comes with learning that people don’t care that much, and this helps liberate the other kind of sufferer: those who worry that everyone cares about everything.
The Freedom of People Not Caring
The fact that people don’t care as much as we think can be very freeing - because as easily as we can get trapped by fearing that people don’t care at all, we can also get stuck thinking everyone cares about everything we do. Obsessing in the mirror before leaving the house, carefully curating social media posts, and being very deliberate and considerate in expressing anything even remotely personal. If you wear that mask long enough, it can get stuck, and all because we are so self-obsessed that we think everyone else will be obsessing over us as well.
We become small, and we become disingenuous because we worry that if we reveal any part of the real us that would be judged and dismissed. But if we put on an act, it’s not the real us that’s being measured, compared and perhaps discarded. We create a fake and safe persona, or we obsess over tiny details, we become vain, and we spend too much time, energy and money on appearing perfect to the external world. If you’re an artist, you might hide away from the world completely, never finishing or showing your work because of the fear of being judged.
For a long time, I struggled with this, and still do - part of overcoming that for me has been exposure therapy. Sharing and showing my work was initially scary, but I soon found comfort in the truth that most people don’t care. For me, the thought that people I know would see a different side of me was scary, because I had worn that mask for so long that I was afraid that being true to myself would be so different from the picture people had built up of me that they wouldn’t like the real me. The truth is that most people just don’t care that much.
Most people are minding their own business; they’re not judging the way your hair looks or if your shoes are dirty. They don’t really care how your voice sounds or see every tiny little mistake in your art. People have more important things to think about, and we have a mutual understanding as adults that life is messy and imperfect. A good rule of thumb is that people spend about as much time judging others as you, yourself, spend time and energy on it, and if you find yourself doing that often, then maybe find something better to do. Often, when we find something negative about someone else, it’s a reflection of something we dislike about ourselves.
I used to be really annoyed with people who were pursuing their dreams and working relentlessly, people who openly shared their creative works and efforts, and I was annoyed with it because it reminded me of my own failure to do so. My dislike came from envy and from my own insecurities. A hater is never someone better than you, and if anything, this should be an encouragement for you to share your work with the world, because people might have to face that side of themselves. I don’t feel that way anymore, and I rarely cringe at the things others post, but it required me to embrace the cringe itself and to come to terms with the fact that most people don’t care.
That was so liberating to me, because while I was worried that no one would care, I soon found that the people who really matter to me do care, and they’ve been supporting me since the start, and while that isn’t most people, I don’t have to worry about every single person judging everything I do. I reckon most people don’t even care about what I write, what I post or what I do, and that’s so freeing, it allows me to do this not for any other reason than the fact that I love doing it.
Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind
The fact that most people don’t care is equally empowering as it is frightening. It’s up to us what we do with this knowledge; we can either let it liberate us from our fears and insecurities of being constantly judged and compared, or we can let it drag us down and reinforce our paranoia and anxieties. As people, we should strive to overcome these fears and create new patterns from which we are driven by inner motivation rather than external validation. If we are ruled by the opinions of others, we risk creating fake personas and neglecting our true selves.
How much or how little others care is up to you to assume, and what you make out of it. You’re in charge if you let it crush you or lift you up. People live busy lives, and they’re usually occupied with themselves, and if you’re meddling or too caring in others' business, maybe you should find a hobby or something more important to do.
Ultimately, the right people will care about the right things, as long as you’re genuine and yourself, but also care for others, then they will care for you. You shouldn’t let this fact hold you back, and don’t let the determining factor for your life be whether others care or not. Life’s not either extreme, and you have to live for the people around you.
It’s easy to lose track of this when we see people with millions of views, followers or dollars, and we barely get any views or traction on the work we share. That can be disheartening, and it can also be scary to show that side of ourselves to the world, thinking they’re judging us. The truth is somewhere in between - most people don’t care, and that’s okay. The internet isn’t real life, and millions of views on TikTok don’t automatically mean living a life filled with people who genuinely care. Focus on what’s important for you, and if you like what you do, you know at least one person in the world does, and that’s a start.
Don’t hide away from the world, and be yourself; the world is much richer because of it. Live your life to the fullest, knowing well that the right people will care, and most people won’t. Find the freedom in that to be yourself and let humility guide your way rather than vanity. You have a purpose, and you shouldn’t let the opinions or the lack of opinions from others hold you back from fulfilling that purpose.
