Honesty is the Best Policy

The Introduction

In about a month, as of writing this, I will have been 3 years sober. This text is a little different from the other posts, by nature; it’s more personal and anecdotal. It’s about a part of my life that I’ve kept hidden from a lot of people, and done so out of social stigma, and the reason I want to talk about it is to help others. Addiction, just as depression, is a silent killer, and both are incredibly tough to handle on your own; they are also isolating and actively hinder anyone suffering from seeking help and even speaking about it. When it comes to mind-altering substances, the world at large has a hypocritical and closed-minded view of them; this view also distorts our view of addictions. The best way to combat any addiction is to find support and community, and replace it with something healthier.

This post serves as both a declaration and an introduction. It’s a topic I want to delve deeper into at some point for a variety of reasons. Intoxication played a significant role in my life for many years and has undoubtedly made me the person I am today, for both good and bad. It’s a tale of caution, darkness, but also light and some funny moments, and I want to be able to share all aspects of it in an open and genuine way. 

This post will focus on two things: the beginning and the end. Why I started experimenting with a variety of substances and why I stopped. The middle we will save for another time. This might come as a surprise to you, either the fact that I was struggling, or the fact that I am now 3 years clean. It’s honestly something I never thought would happen. I didn’t even think I would be here to see 28 years on this earth, but I am, and I’m grateful for every day (almost). Reflecting on the past, then, it seems obvious that honesty is the best policy.

Shame, guilt and isolation are not only a byproduct of addiction and mental struggles, but also a cause, and it becomes a vicious cycle which becomes difficult to break. It was in solitude that I searched for meaning in my misery.

The Beginning

I had my first drink at 17, and alcohol would remain a steadfast companion for almost 10 years. I still remember quite clearly that altered state of consciousness, and how it made me realise that it’s different from anything I ever could’ve imagined. The pop culture portrayal of dizziness and blurred vision doesn’t capture the state of intoxication any more than these words and descriptions do. To me, it was mind-expanding in a way. Not only in vision and sense, but rather in tangible, physical change in thought, perception and being. I had developed pretty severe social anxiety, depression and even suicidal ideation in my late teens, and the world had long lost its colours to me, and with alcohol, some of that came back. My first time was fun, I was more outgoing, and I didn’t feel like my usual gloomy self, and I could see the powerful change that can take place within human consciousness.

I had read on the internet about cannabis being used to treat depression in the US, and I was still feeling low, so I thought - why not give it a try? I figured if I was going to go out, either way might as well try something new. There were several hindrances, of course; I didn’t know anyone who smoked, and I didn’t know where to get it. Eventually, when I turned 18, I learned about the dark web and how easy it was to get your hands on just about anything. I’ve always been a cautious person, and online stores offered some things that the streets never could: security, peer reviews and more. I had an interest in psychoactive substances for a while, and continued to dig deeper, researching and studying what drugs are, how they work and what the consequences are. With the internet, a large pool of information, both on safe use, harm reduction and much more, is available.

So I got myself some smoke and hid out in the forest during nights on the weekend by myself. Whereas alcohol had introduced the idea of changes in consciousness, cannabis presented a new dimension to me, and with it, I reconnected to some things I had lost. I began to paint and draw again. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I began to self-medicate to deal with my mental state. My experimentation extended a little bit further, but cannabis and alcohol would be the two constants in my life for a long period of time. Use and self-medication eventually turned to abuse, and my mental health worsened. Holding down dead-end jobs, my only relief was to come home to these and to work on my own projects. They offered a crutch and a crutch for everyday. Life is filled with ups and downs, and I’ve had my fair share, but after every down comes an up, and I was on my way out of the pit I had dug.

The End

I was coughing up blood daily when I was smoking the most, and I knew that it would stop if I quit smoking, but I thought I’d rather cough up blood than stop smoking. I would drink a litre of 40% in an evening, I was self-centred and focused on my Work, and I neglected my family, friends and my own health, and the truth is I didn’t really care until I met my wife. It wasn’t all bad, as stated, but it was costing me money, my sanity and my relations, and so almost three years ago I decided to pursue healthier ways to help me pursue my passions.

After all, this was what it was all about: self-medicating, finding some sort of meaning and the dreadful delusion that I needed to be intoxicated to create. I wasn’t in love with drugs; I was in love with the creative process, and the drugs just afforded me the mental freedom to create. There are a lot of mental blocks, stigmas and internalised thoughts that can hold us back from being ourselves, and that’s what it felt like for me. Drugs offered a bit of relief and a way for me to “be myself”. You don’t need drugs or even alcohol to be yourself, or to even experience relief, but a lot of people do, and I sure did. The freedom I thought these substances offered me was a lie.

Alcohol and cannabis didn’t aid me in my creative work; they actively held me back. The reason for that is that they’re pacifiers, and they keep you pacified. Content with whatever lifestyle you’re living. I was drinking and smoking to cope with jobs I never liked, and to deal with stuff I never wanted to deal with, and while it got me through that time, it also kept me stuck there, because it was “good enough”. Discontent can push us towards something better, and that’s part of the reason I got clean. Because I always wanted to pursue my Work fully, and without hindrance, I wanted to not spend my weekends and evenings fucked up doing art, I wanted a peaceful life where I could create endlessly and on my own terms. I often blamed society and the world around me for my situation, but didn’t do anything to change it, and instead just stayed content through escapism. I wanted to make a change, I did for a very long time, and finally did it with the support of my loving wife and friends.

I was clean for 6 months at first, because I wanted to start up my own business and I knew I wouldn’t have the money, the energy or the brains to do it if I kept drinking and smoking. I took the last of my savings and put it all towards starting up Zevul’s Arcanum. Sobriety isn’t a straightforward journey, and there are many bumps along the way, and it hasn’t been easy for me either. But that journey is for another day. 

This was just the announcement and the truth about my past. It’s not a secret I want to keep any longer, because frankly, there are so many good anecdotes from those years it would be a shame to keep them all to myself. It’s taken me a very long time to get the courage to write this, and maybe one day we shall talk about what has given me that strength throughout these years. For now, I just want to give a special thanks to my wife and all the lovely people who have been with me through thick and thin, and not least supported me in my Work. I couldn’t do what I do without you.

If you’re someone who is also struggling, I’m sure there is someone you can talk to. It really helps, and if nothing else, feel free to reach out to me! There is community and there is support to be had, it might not feel like it, and you might receive a lot of scorn and negativity, especially from loved ones, and the social stigma might be holding you back right now as it held me back. You’re not alone, and we love you. There is more to life than this. 

Thank you for reading, and God bless.